Segregation & Space

Chapter Sixteen

The Spaceship of Segregation

No one can be everything you want them to be. It's not your job to create a clone of your own character in the person you are Mentoring. You are not a potter with a piece of clay.

You are more of a chef who creates a meal and presents it on a plate for consumption. Do not force feed your personal beliefs into anybody - that causes resentment. A good Mentor presents food with a vision that shows why consumption would be beneficial.

The best kind of motivation is self motivation. Season the meal that you're offering with encouragement. You cannot feed somebody their own success - they have to achieve it on their own. "Success cannot be force fed as a meal." Give them a menu, give them the food and let them do the eating. Provide instruction and then give them space to grow. Personal space should be a personal creation.

AID to MENTOR NAVIGATION Part 31

I left my home this morning for an appointment with a homeless man. Last night (11-21-13) he walked into our Youth Center. I haven't seen him in almost a year. When he first started coming around he would act very gruff and demanding. He wanted some food on his timeline - he didn't want to wait for our cooks to get done preparing the meal.

He smelled like most homeless folks do. Their clothes are dirty and they lack the necessary items of personal hygiene. We serve a smorgasbord style meal for our snack and dinner. The kids did not want to stand anywhere near someone who had an odor. They did not want to touch the food after he had filled his plate. His hands were clean but they perceived him as a dirty person who could contaminate the food. They gave this homeless man plenty of space. They created space through avoidance. They created space through lack of understanding and compassion. They created segregation between themselves and a person who was hurting.

We began seeking a solution about the unwelcome space of segregation in the food line. At a Food Bank of WNY Seminar, we received some very valuable advice: "Have the homeless man sit down and let the kids serve him." It was an awesome idea and closed the gap between the young people and the homeless dude. When in doubt; seek a compassionate solution.

AID to MENTOR NAVIGATION Part 32

I once asked the homeless man what his birth date was. I noted it in my phone and put aside a birthday cake for him. On his birthday he didn't show up so I went looking for him. I drove around the area of the West Side of Buffalo where he was known to frequent and I couldn't find him. Several weeks later he showed up with his usual gruff demeanor. The birthday cake changed the homeless man in the blink of an eye.

I asked him where he had been and after some small talk, told him about the cake. I let him know that I had been looking for him on his birthday. He brightened up like a mountain sunrise. You might think I'm a fruitcake but I swear I thought I saw his chest puff up, his shoulders raise and his ears twinkle. He said: "You have a cake for me?" He paused as if to collect his thoughts from some place that only he knew about. In the blink of an eye, his gruffness was gone and then he began offering to help us. "Do you need any help? Can I take the garbage out?" An act of compassion had once again altered a human life. He left that day feeling valued. The funny thing about compassion is how it affects your nose. You don't smell anything offensive when you are pouring out compassion.

We didn't see our friend for almost a year until last night. I smiled as he came in and gave him a hug. I cooked him a bowl of chili. He asked if I could help him put a roof over his head for the night. I said I would do my best. He finished his chili with a cup of juice and we cleaned up and left the Youth Center.

I had left my phone at home so we could not call anybody. We climbed into my van and headed to the Salvation Army. We prayed in the parking lot and asked God to provide a roof for my friend either here or somewhere else. A very nice lady explained to us that single men were not permitted to stay at their facility. She then volunteered to call some area shelters to find him a place to stay.

The Buffalo City Mission was full for the night. She found another place called the Little Portion Friary. There were 2 ladies who bent over backwards to help my friend. He didn't have any ID and that presented a problem. They asked if I could come back tomorrow and help him begin the process of obtaining an ID through the DMV. I agreed and told my friend that I would pick him up at 9am the next morning. He then disappeared, following a man down a hallway.

This morning at exactly 9am, I pulled up in front of the Friary. The lady inside said he left about 10 minutes ago. She was worried about my friend: she said he looked very sad. I left and drove around the downtown area trying to find him. I stopped in a McDonald's and a Burger King, I never found him. Now I feel sad.

            Before I dropped my friend off last night, we talked about taking a step. "We can get you help but you have to want to get on your feet." I told him. He has to create his own space of responsibility and accountability. He has to take a step into a plan for his life. I feel bad that I can't find him this morning. I hope and pray that I will see him again. He taught me a lot about giving people space to grow.

Thanks for your time. Go do something nice for somebody.

Murder & A Murderer Mentor

Chapter Fifteen

Murders, Murderers & Scholarship

Abraham Lincoln was a scholar. Many people have become Abraham Lincoln Scholars. They study his life and become knowledgeable and educated experts regarding our 16th President. Your scholarly task as a Mentor is twofold: First you must become knowledgeable regarding your Mentee. Second you must help your Mentee become scholarly in good decision making.

AID to MENTOR NAVIGATION Part 29

By reading the Mentoring Principles set down in ink on these pages, you will learn how to set words of hope into the hearts of people you will Mentor. Your words of encouragement will be indelibly etched upon their hearts. A large part of preparation in Mentoring involves listening with your heart. Communication styles vary and not everyone says what they really mean.

If you tell a friend that you are going to plan a birthday party for them, they will probably tell you they don't want a birthday party. They will reason that you are too busy to plan a party. They might even say they don't like parties. Even if they say: "NO!" - You might still want to plan a party. They really do want a party but they care so much for you that they don't want to add another burden to your life. Listening with your heart will allow you to discern whether you should plan a party or not.

Abraham Lincoln was a scholarly wood cutter who was educated in the fine art of wood cutting. The most important part of his trade was his preparation. He had a secret for productivity and he explained it this way:

"Give me six hours to chop down a tree

and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe."

Lincoln was murdered and his life story became a scholarly pursuit of many folks. The Boy Scout Motto is: "Be Prepared." Your preparation will help you become an educated encourager for the person you are Mentoring. Please be prepared to never give up.

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One of my best friends was a triple murderer. Let that sink in for a moment. ..........He killed 3 people and they "Didn't even offer any resistance." That's what he told me when we met for the first time.

Jerry Balone had contacted a friend of mine and expressed a desire to reach out to kids in schools about his life story. Pat Mellody told me about Jerry and a little bit about his life in prison. He said that Jerry wanted to speak in schools and help students avoid the hell that he ahead been a part of. I would not let anybody speak on behalf of Youth With A Purpose unless I had spent the time to develop a personal relationship with them. I agreed to meet with Jerry.

We met at the Emerson School of Hospitality which is one of Buffalo's Vocational schools that focus on hospitality and culinary arts. They have a restaurant on West Chippewa Street below the School. It is interesting to note that this school is in an area of Buffalo that used to be called the "Red Light District." Many years ago there were dingy gin mills, topless joints, cheap hotels and porn shops. Prostitution seemed to flourish even if it wasn't legal. Today it is known as a semi respectable entertainment district. Neighborhoods can change their reputation, why not people? I was impressed with everything about Emerson, except maybe its location; there was still a porn shop across the street from the restaurant. The service and food provided by the students were great. It was a very nice atmosphere to have a conversation with a triple murderer.

Jerry was in his late fifties, balding and he could look imposing - especially if you knew his history. People have a way of applying labels to folks based on their history. "TO BE AN EFFECTIVE MENTOR, YOU MUST BELIEVE IN THE BEST FOR EVERY MENTEE YOU MEET." Jerry seemed like a very nice guy on a mission. He told me his life story in a lunch hour time frame. He was abused as a child and he didn't know who his dad was. He spent time in orphanages and reformatories. He was told he was a retard so he didn't go to school. He grew up thinking he was a retard. He grew up trying to survive violence and abuse. Street life safety is dictated by your ability to hurt other people before they hurt you. Detention centers and jail became the primary residences for this young man.

When he was 18 years old, Jerry got out of jail with a friend. He went to a restaurant and somebody "screw faced him." They went outside to "duke it out" and the other guy all of sudden had 6 partners who "beat the crap" out of Jerry. He left the beating and went to find his friend. They got a gun and went looking for the dudes who beat him. He says people ask him: "How could you kill 3 people?" His response was: "We went looking to kill 7." They ended up breaking into a house party and killing 3 people who "didn't even offer any resistance." Jerry's life of sociopathic abuse had led him to a life of hell. He landed in prison. They had just abolished the Death Penalty and he received a 50 year to life sentence. They told him he would never get out of jail ever again. 

For the first 20 years, Jerry lived the same "thug life" that he had lived outside of prison. He was mean and nasty and protected his heart by lashing out at others - it was the only life he knew. He spent most of his prison life identified as a violent felon and he was moved 17 times within the prison system. After 20 years, he was chosen to take part in a "Therapeutic Thinking" program. Jerry began to learn that not everybody is out to hurt you. He learned about compassion and helping people. He learned that you have choices regarding your attitude - Jerry began traveling on the road of redemption. He became a changed man.

They told him that he would never get out of prison no matter how much he changed. He decided to challenge that negativity. He applied for Parole 7 times before he was released. Each time you apply and you are denied, there is a 2 year waiting period before you can reapply. The Parole Board needs to be sure that you are not a danger to society. They finally let him out with many restrictions. He wrote a book about his experience called: "A Former Insider's Guide To Parole." I recommend reading that and his other book called: "Rising From The Ashes." Jerry will not receive any of the proceeds from the sale of these books - he's dead.

Jerry spoke to youthful audiences detailing his crime and remorse for what he did. He doesn't make excuses for the monster that he had become. He wished he could turn back time and change the memory. He wanted to spend his life helping others avoid the hell that he had been through and the hell that he had caused.  He died last year on the day I wrote a check to him for the last speaking engagement he did on behalf of Youth With A Purpose. I still have the check and I have a forever memory etched in my heart by a scholar of life who had been a murderer. 

Jerry Balone receives a community service award in Buffalo, N.Y.on October 16, 2010.

Please never give up on anybody.

Thanks for your time. Go do something nice for somebody.
JLYASDW

Do You Have A Whore's Forehead?

       

           Some folks would surely blush if they knew what you do. Beyond shame, blushin' is not something you do. For years you wallowed in guilt until the wallowing became like breathing. It's normal for you to be dirty and used, joining others who let themselves be abused. Your dirt won't come off, or so you believe, the dirt is your friend, you make believe. When asked where you're at, your friends say: "In bed." You don't even notice you've grown a "Whore's Forehead."

          Hiding your pain, ignoring your shame, you play the blame game. Some pain is your own, others have hurt you, now their pain you own. Anger and fear become your best friends, they help spread your pain reaching new dead ends. Self loathing and hatred cover your heart, enemies who rejoice in killing each fresh start.

          One by one the leaves have left the trees. The winds of change have denuded their boughs. Naked and empty, they've been disrobed of their past. Maybe it's time for you to be free at last. The trees are barren awaiting new buds, will you prune your thorns and risk some rosebuds? Out of your bleakness will you develop a seekness? Will you seek spring and the healing warmth it will bring?

          When the night is the darkest, did you notice the sun always rises? If you will just believe, each day will bring you new surprises. The strength from your struggle will open the cocoon of bondage. Let the hardness of life bring you a new diamond day.  Turn everything that irritates you into a pearl of great price.

          Each life will be broken, some more than others. Pain is expected by birth giving mothers. New life is yours in this new birthing season, there's none like you, there's no greater reason. You are perfect just as you are. There's nobody like you in the past, present or future, become the best you or you've wasted you. The purpose for your life will be found in your suffering.

          Remove the scales from your heart, it's time for a fresh start. You have been trusted with a life that is a key. Yes, your life is a key that opens a door of opportunity for yourself and someone else. The truth is you might lead many to a new way of life. Imagine the joy as tears wash away their dirt. You've opened your broken heart to receive a seed of hope. The dirt you once wore becomes a bed of soil that gives hope a place to grow.

          Showers of mercy and grace will wash away shame and disgrace. Just look in the mirror, you can't keep a straight face! Beautiful smiles amid a new spring of life. Your forehead is hardened with a new resolve, each day is a new gift designed to give you a lift. All of creation is a classroom, each new trouble is just a womb birthing a new opportunity. All things work together for good. You are loved and valued just as you are. Go do something nice for somebody.

The Ownership of Cause & Effect

 Chapter Fourteen

The Ownership of Cause & Effect

Ownership carries with it many personal proprietary rights. Control and dominion over something allows you to make powerful decisions. As a Mentor, there are two types of ownership; one you retain, the other you give up.

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You are not the owner or fixer of another person. Own your own mistakes. Fix yourself by developing new habits. Allow others the freedom to own their own decisions. Let go of the future and guide the present.

 Chris, Marty and Alex were fishing at Boy Scout Camp. It was a perfect day; the sun was bright, the sky was blue and the pond was like glass. Chris was the first boy to cast his worm into the water. He reached back and swung his fishing rod over his head and flung it forward like a pitcher throwing a baseball. His worm and sinker hit the water and the ripples spread out in circles from the impact. Marty duplicated the seemingly perfect cast and both boys leaned back on a log with a smile, waiting for the fish to bite. It was a perfect day. Alex's cast would change everything.

Steve Kuebler was a trophy winning fisherman as a Scout.

 Alex's fishing pole used to be his dad's when he was a kid; it was now over 40 years old. It was not a very good setup. It didn't work 40 years ago and it didn't work now. Alex reared his arm back and cast his sinker, bobber and worm out into the pond. His cast never made it any farther than the length of his arm. The line was knotted and caught on his pole. Instead of going out into the pond, his hook, line and sinker ended up wrapped around Chris and Marty. The worm smacked Chris in the ear. The stillness of the pond was interrupted by the boy's anguished screams of surprise. If there were any fish near them, they were probably laughing.

Chris pulled the worm from his ear and began yelling at Alex. He threw his pole down and yelled: "You ruined a perfect day!" Marty told Chris to stop yelling. He said: "Stop yelling! He's just a little kid and it's not his fault. Here, let me help you Alex." Marty untangled the line and helped the younger boy salvage his fishing pole as best he could. The three boys resumed fishing with each of them landing a few keepers. The day was a success because an older boy showed patience with a youngster.

You have the responsibility of owning your response in any given situation. Marty showed ownership of his response by taking a potentially disastrous situation and patiently causing the event to become a happy lifetime memory. A Mentor does not simply accept any given "cause and effect." A Mentor pauses to examine a cause an determines how to influence the effect.

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Letting go is not easy for A Mentor. It is natural to want to make choices for the person we are Mentoring. That will totally defeat the purpose of helping somebody become a self sustaining and responsible individual. Sometimes you have to let go.

At Boy Scout Summer Camp, all boys were required to attend Wednesday night religious services. Vespers is generally a spiritual program that is inclusive of different denominations. The focus is on the Scout Oath and Scout Law. Several different services were available and the boys had to choose one. They had a choice. They always grumbled because they would rather be fishing.

Marty complained as usual and asked why he had to go. I told him that he had a choice of which place to go. He did not have to listen while he was at the program but all boys had to be accounted for as part of the program. I told him that if he did choose to listen, that he would hear something worthwhile.

Later that evening he came back to our camp with a new complaint. He said: "The preacher dude said the same thing this year that he said last year!" I replied that was a good thing and he asked why. I told him that he just proved what a good leader he was. He listened last year and he listened this year. He did something that he was uncomfortable doing and that in the process, demonstrated leadership for the younger boys. I told him I was proud of him. He smiled. Marty let go of any resentment and embraced the wisdom of a Mentor. He is already learning how to be a good Mentor.

My Dear Friend Atheist

How wide and long and high and deep are you?

Dear Atheist,

          Good morning my good friend. I hope your day is filled with heart smiles. I want to help you this morning regarding the spreading of your faith (or lack thereof:)

          There are some things that are destructive to Christianity that you would be well advised to avoid. Chief among them, I believe, is the mockery of other belief systems. Within the confines of a mocking attitude is found the penitentiary of hypocrisy. The broad vision of your atheism will be limited in scope if you focus your efforts on lampooning your neighbor. Be nice to your neighbor, even to the extent of forgiving them their grievous faults. By doing so, you will open up the aperture of communication and give them an enticing glimpse of the image and likeness of who you really are.

          Secondary in destructive potential to your atheism, is the seed of sanctimoniousness. The irreverence expressed through a "holier than thou" attitude does wonders in destroying friendships. The Christians like to think that they are at different levels of greater understanding. An insidious yeast of pharisaism rises within them. They become pious prigs who pump up their chests with an air of phoniness. My advice to you, my good friend, accept people for who they are as your equal. Forgiveness and acceptance contain a transmittable degree of contagiousness.

         Lastly (for now,) I urge you my dear friend to avoid the jaundiced eye of jealousy. I've noticed that wherever there's folks who are jealous and filled with selfishness, there is disorder and vileness. Be content with what you have and avoid covetousness. Narcissism is a destructive root that consumes everything and feeds the self. I have found that parsimoniousness eventually becomes so insatiable within the soul of the prideful prig, it causes them to feed on their own egotism. Put others above yourself my good friend, make them feel more significant than you are.

Thanks for your time. Go do something nice for somebody.
Jesus loves you and so do we.

P. Bahp Dizzle

The Mosaic Mummy

Once upon a minute..........

          The casket was open as the mourners filed by. A few folks would pause and kneel as they murmured a prayer. Mostly the people kept moving, drifting by the dead body like a slowly meandering creek. Some folks cried while clutching their hankies and blowing their noses. The old woman in the casket was wrapped from head to toe in multicolored strips of cloth. She looked almost like a stained glass mummy or a mosaic mummy.

          On the day of her funeral, the undertakers sealed her coffin. They felt nothing for this woman, she was just another body in their business. Smoking a cigarette, the hearse driver waited for the coffin to be loaded for the short ride to the church. He had seen the lady who looked like a mummy but didn't think much about her. He had enough to think about with problems in his own life. This lady was just another eccentric who chose to live her life wrapped in her wounds. Once the coffin was locked into place in the back of the hearse, he drove to the Temporal Temple.

           The church building was crowded. It wasn't because the old woman had a lot of friends, she didn't, people came to hear the preacher dude. He was a great speaker who always gave them something to think about. Listening to him was a form of entertainment. He would wax eloquently from the pulpit and make his listeners feel good. The people came because they wanted to feel good. The old woman wrapped in multicolored cloths was just a sideshow. The Temporal Temple had a large congregation drawn mostly by the charismatic tongue of the preacher dude. The pall bearers finished rolling the casket to the front of the church and everyone took their seats in anticipation.

          He swayed back and forth slowly before he began. He was like a gently cresting wave. He smiled a sad smile, he genuinely did feel sad at the passing of another member of his church. The preacher dude knew some pertinent facts about the old woman's life from the few distant relatives who provided some details. Her husband and children had died years ago. The woman hadn't worked in years. Over twenty years ago she lost her job; the last of many lost jobs due to illnesses and injuries. The neighbors never saw her anymore, her physical condition would not permit her to go out and the neighbors never went in. There really wasn't much to say about the old recluse of a lady and yet the preacher dude had a lot to say.

          His cadence seemed to pick up rhythm as his speech went on. The organ player and drummer kept up with the pulse of his powerful tempo. He went from a gently cresting wave to a rolling sea billow. He was united in storm with the wind of the pipe organ and thunderous drums. Shouts of "Amen!" from the audience were like flashes of lightening that ignited the preacher dude to soar higher. The congregants forgot about the old woman as they listened and shouted. The show was almost over, the preacher dude was beginning to wind down. 

          As was customary, the preacher dude invited anyone to come forward if they had a few words to say. There was a momentary pause in the funerary proceedings as no one stood up. Suddenly, a teenage boy stepped forward. Nobody recognized him, he wasn't a member of their youth group. He went to the podium and leaned toward the microphone and began to speak. The organ and drums were silent. As he spoke, he turned toward the preacher dude and asked a question: "Sir, why is it that you never told us the reason this lady was wrapped in multicolored cloths?" Before he could answer, the boy continued. 

          The young man shared how he and his sister used to do yard work for the woman before they moved to another neighborhood. She would pay them in cookies, fruitcake and pennies. She gave them what she had. One day, as the two youngsters sat munching on some fruitcake, the boy asked her why she wore all of those strips of brightly colored cloths. He said to the old woman: "Every time I see you, there's another multicolored strip of cloth wrapped around you. Soon you'll be wrapped from head to toe! Why are you all wrapped up?" The old woman leaned heavily on her walker and hobbled over to a faded purple chair.

          To the boy and girl, the old woman looked almost ablaze as she sunk into the faded purple chair wrapped in her multicolored cloths. She said she began wrapping herself years ago. She never wanted to be a burden on other people with her pain and troubles. So each time she was hurt, she would wrap her wound in a brightly colored cloth. She reasoned, correctly, that folks would not know she was hurting because she was clad in gay attire. She could continue to be around other people and hide her wounds. With each new wound, she would wrap another layer around her body.

          When she was still able to attend church, the folks who saw her were patronizingly courteous. They labeled her a harmless old eccentric who made life interesting. Some even asked her about her brightly colored wraps. She would just smile weakly and say she liked to sow and then they would leave her alone. As church folk, they had done their duty by spending a minute with a less fortunate person. The years went by, the wrapping continued and nobody noticed her wounds.

          The girl asked the old woman a question: "But mam, don't you want to be healed from your wounds?" The old lady smiled weakly and replied almost jokingly: "Of course I do, but I don't want to bother anybody and now there's not much of me left to wrap. Folks are busy doing church activities and I wouldn't want them to waste time on an old woman like me. I'm just a wounded old soul. Besides, I've learned to be content in my lonely wrappings. My wounds keep me company. I can relive them one wrapping at a time."

           The boy and girl left that day feeling very sad. How could they help the old woman heal? How could they make her feel valued and loved? They knew there wasn't much time left as she was very old and very feeble. They knew from the experience of watching their Grandpa die, that death would come soon for the old woman. There had to be a way to help the old woman heel before she died. They sat in silence and pondered the moment.

          It was almost as if a volcano erupted in the boys soul as he shouted:"Her life story! We can tell the world her life story!"  The two discussed how they could spread the word about the woman's story and help folks to recognize the hidden pain of people. They agreed that nobody should have to live life all wrapped up in pain by themselves. The young girl seemed to glow with the dawning of new ideas: "Even if we can't remove physical pain we don't have to remove ourselves from their presence." They designed a story that would teach people about hidden pain. They called it the: "Mosaic Menorah." They knew a mosaic was a multicolored gathering of different objects that created artwork. They knew that a Menorah was a lampstand that shined light. They hoped they could shine hope and healing on hurting people through the multicolored wrappings of the old woman.

          The boy and girl went to see the old woman the next day. She could barely move as she answered the door. The two teenagers excitedly shared their idea with the woman. Her shoulders appeared to take on the advent of buoyancy. Her lips curled upward as her smile tightened the wrinkles on her face. For the first time in years she felt loved and valued. All because someone spent some time with her and shared their presence.

          Finishing his message, the boy turned to the preacher dude and said:

"Thanks for your time.

Go do something nice for somebody.

Mastership of Character

Chapter Thirteen

 Mastership of Character

Moment by moment, Mentor as if each moment was your last. Be the best that you can be. Please remember that the child whom you are Mentoring is not capable of your level of mastery.

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Can you master the art of Mentoring in such a way that your mastery allows you to remain patient and still while the person you are Mentoring appears clueless? A large part of the Mentoring Relationship involves faith. If your heart is in the right place, your genuineness will make a difference in someone's life; whether you see evidence or not.

The wick of a candle appears motionless and inactive. Capillary action causes the wick to be in a "ready state" for a flame. You may not be the Mentor who lights the flame of response in a child. You might only be influencing the current of understanding that will eventually flow into action. You are invaluable regardless of when the children will shine. It might be 40 years from now! A Mentor's job is to create an atmosphere that is conducive to the capillary action of character illumination. Your student is a sponge who will soak up your actions and then squeeze them out in their actions.

Mentoring metaphors with an oil lamp are endless. Sometimes you are the oil of gladness flowing into a depressed and wounded soul. Your words and attitude spark a light of comfort in the darkness of confusion. You are the wick that stands straight and tall allowing character to flow through you. I find that the greatest part of being a Mentor is seeing the light of understanding in a young person's eyes when the oil of unconditional love flows through the wick in their heart.

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One of the biggest mistakes that I have seen parents make is trying to make their children follow their own failed dreams. The inability to accomplish mastery in their own lives becomes a weight in their children's lives. A Mentor is no different. You must reconcile any of your own failed attempts at mastery. Please let them go and focus on what is important for the young person you are Mentoring.

There are parents who wanted to be policemen and lost their opportunity. They try and lead their children into being policemen when their children want nothing to do with that vocation. The Mission Statement for Youth With A Purpose Inc is a good template to use regarding children:

"All children are gifted.

We exist to identify, nurture, protect and empower children

to use their gifts to become the world changers

that God meant them to be."

True mastery of anything begins with self focus. Examine your own strengths and weaknesses. You will always be weak in some areas. Do not sacrifice strength to improve a weakness, you may end up mired in mediocrity. A Mentor's goal with a young person should be to help them attain mastery over their character. 

Thanks for your time. Go do something nice for somebody.