Are You A Beyonder?

This pelican just waited for us to toss him a fish, he didn't have to see underwater

Chapter Twenty Two

 Are You A Beyonder?

The horizon of life can be limited by the inability to see the great beyond. A prisoner in a cell becomes so accustomed to a life behind bars that they lose the ability to live beyond the bars.  That's why the rate of recidivism is so high. A high percentage of people who are released get rearrested and reincarcerated because they cannot see beyond an imprisoned life style.

As a Mentor your task is to help someone "see beyond" and "go beyond." Creating a hunger in a child is the best way to motivate them. Removing demotivators (defeatist mindsets) is paramount in creating a space for hunger in the heart of a young person.

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As children age and advance in the educational hierarchy, we present them with greater degrees of complexity in the learning process. Cognitive development is unique to each person and will dictate their ability to reconcile emotional imbalances. A Mentor/Teacher needs to develop the skills to create a learning environment that is conducive to the emotional storms in a child's life.

Picture a blow fish in your mind. The blow fish or puffer fish inflates itself as a defense mechanism against predators. The inflation causes it's spines to protrude further protecting itself. If a predator does bite the blow fish, it will either choke on the spines or it may receive a lethal amount of poisonous neurotoxins from the fishes body. The fish  represents a child full of stress and anxiety that engulfs almost every aspect of their being. Unless you create space within that child, your efforts to help them develop critical thinking skills may be in vain. A child will protect their heart by lashing out at perceived attempts to force it where it is not ready to go.

A best practice in Mentoring is the ability to defuse emotional firestorms through compassionate listening. Make space in your teaching style to accommodate the emotional needs in your students. PMM or "Power Moment Mentoring" is simply defined as Mentoring in the power of the current emotional moment where the child exists. They cannot see beyond their current emotional state and neither should you. Help them to release anxiety before you attempt to teach.

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Birds don't wear goggles or bifocals when they go fishing. Did you ever wonder how a bird in the sky can spot a fish under water? I've never seen a bird with binoculars! Humans and birds see differently for many reasons. What gives birds the ability to see beyond the surface of the water when they are looking for a meal?

Birds have the ability to see in two types of vision called binocular and monocular vision. This means that both eyes can work together to see straight ahead or each eye can see independently of the other. A bird's eye takes up a larger percentage of space on its head than a human eye does. The retina contains different colored drops of oil. Each species has oil that allows it to see effectively for its own individual lifestyle. A sea bird will have more drops of oil which is believed to help it block the glare of the water when searching for food.

Several years ago I was helping to teach a youth group at a local church. One particularly exasperating young man gave us a years worth of stress in about 2 hours. I remarked to one of the other youth leaders that this boy was a lost cause. I said: "Some kids are just never going to get it!" The other leader nodded his head in agreement. We had both just written him off our "beyonder list." We could not see beyond his immaturity - that was very immature of us!

I went home that night thinking that I had a good day as I lay down in bed. All of a sudden a guilt bird started flying around my gut. The voice I heard was almost audible: "Who do you think you are saying that boy will never get it? You got it didn't you?" I began to remember how far I had come in my own life journey. I had given many folks a whole lot of stress while growing beyond my immaturity. I felt guilty and I learned my lesson not to write any child off of my "beyonder list."

Birds can see in cloudy, foggy and murky conditions in large part due to the oil in their retinas. The oil of compassion in a Mentors heart will allow them to see through cloudy immaturity in people. Becoming a Beyonder requires the binocular vision of seeing what's right in front of you and the monocular vision that sees the wider vision of the big picture of possibility.

           How's your eyesight? Do you have the ability to see beyond your current situation? My Grandmother always said: "There are better days ahead." My Mom always said: "This too shall pass." They were both Beyonders who believed in brighter days.

Thanks for your time.
 Go do something nice for somebody.

POSER or PAUSER

Chapter Twenty One

Poser or Pauser

Posing as someone you are not represents a theft of potential. Pausing to meditate upon the possibilities created by your actions is a personal antitheft device. Posers are counterfeit people who will take credit for your strengths and point fingers at your weaknesses. Pausers help you reflect intelligently and examine outcomes before proceeding in the decision making process.

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Once upon a minute there lived a Poser. Nobody knew his real name; he pretended to be somebody new everyday. Each new day was filled with a new dream and excuses. The excuses would describe why the dreams on the preceding day had failed. The Poser knew nothing of perseverance; he was a fake and a fraud who found his self worth in stealing other folk's accomplishments.

His favorite saying was: "You couldn't have done it without me!" He would brag far and wide about all the people who were a success due to his accomplishments in their lives. His real goal, unspoken even to himself, was helping people fail so he wouldn't be alone in his own failures. His self esteem was lowered with each new failure.

 One day he was helping a student who wanted to become a Doctor. The student was struggling and wanted to quit. The Poser urged the young person to quit because that was something that Poser's are prone to do. The Poser had once had once wanted to become a Doctor but he had failed at that too. The Dream of being a Doctor had happened before he became a Poser. A high school teacher had asked him what his dream was. When he replied: "I want to be a Doctor!" The teacher told him: "You're not smart enough to become a Doctor." He began to believe the discouraging words of the teacher, that was the beginning of his life as a Poser.

He would dream a dream and then the words of the teacher would leech up from the depths of his heart and cast the dream away with echoes of: "You're not smart enough!" Those discouraging words became his best friends and he spread them far and wide. Eventually folks became fed up with the negativity of the Poser and banished him from their lives. He took up residence under a bridge. He spent his days collecting cans and bottles for redemption. He begged for money and verbally abused those who refused to donate to his misery.

The lessons from this story:

1.      Do not live your failed dreams through others.

2.      Encourage those who struggle to pause and consider the outcomes before quitting.

3.      Purge your heart from negative words spoken in your past before they do damage in the present.

4.      Be accountable, be encouraging, be disciplined - DON'T QUIT!

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One of the most beautiful and rewarding experiences in life is to see someone succeed after you have given them hope and encouragement. As a Mentor, Teacher, Parent, Friend, Spouse, Employer, Pastor, Counselor, Doctor, Neighbor or even an Enemy, do not expect to receive recognition and gratitude from someone you have helped. Do not take credit for someone's achievement no matter how much you have done for them.

Success is always a matter of personal choice. You may have been the catalyst of that success but you do not own it. Gratitude will come your way in some form or another. The Law of Reciprocity will guarantee your gratitude receivership. The seed you plant must be free of its connection to you. A farmer lets go of the seed into the ground. You are a Heart Farmer who must let go of the seed of hope and encouragement into the heart of the person whom you are Mentoring.

For everything there is a season. During the season of basking and glowing, please don't steal the limelight by taking credit for an accomplishment that is truly not yours. The fan in the stands bought a ticket, a beer and cheered the team on but he didn't throw a touchdown pass or kick the winning field goal. The Gold Medal Winner stands alone on the central podium after an Olympic victory. The victor usually gives credit and gratitude to a host of people who made the fulfillment of their dream possible. Somebody is always left out of the "thank you speech." Bask in the feeling of knowing you helped another human being. That's enough, your good deed will be returned upon you in due season.

Pausing to give recognition is the fruit grown from the seed of pausing to make a good decision.  Thanks for pausing to read this. Go do something nice for somebody.

Worship not Warship

Chapter Twenty

 Worship (not Warship)

It seems like everyday there is a new religion in the world. Yesterday I read an article that estimated that there are over 4,200 different religions in the world. Just for the record, the label that would most aptly describe who I am is Christian. I really don't like that description because it does not educate somebody regarding my faith and beliefs. The world's history is full of animosity created at the bloody hands of religious zealots, extremists and terrorists. As a Mentor it is not your job to convert anybody. You must accept everyone as they are uncritically.

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Mother Teresa was a pretty famous self sacrificing lady who demonstrated her faith through acts of love. She loved the lepers and impoverished folks in Calcutta. She accepted everybody equally, she loved everybody equally. An unconscious leper lying in the street did not have a religious label on his forehead. My favorite Mother Teresa quote is this: “I used to think it was my job to convert people, it’s not. My job is to love people, love will do the converting.” Your job as a Mentor is to love people.

Sharing your particular religious faith for informational purposes is perfectly acceptable. Inviting your Mentee to your religious service is acceptable. If they refuse any of your invitations, you need to refuse to be offended. Coercion of any form is not acceptable. Using force whether it's physical, emotional or verbal will result in resentment. You are a guide not a prison guard.

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In a recent class at Erie Community College in Downtown Buffalo, New York, we spoke about religion. I like to start the class with a brief explanation about acceptance, segregation and hypocrisy. My remarks sounded like this:

"I don't care what your religious belief or lack of belief is. I respect all of you equally. I love all of you equally. It doesn't matter if you are Hindu, Buddhist, Christian, Muslim, Jewish, spongebobology or any other form of religion. If I have a Muslim neighbor kneeling on his prayer rug, I will get down and pray with him. We may not be praying the same way but I still love him. If my other neighbor is an atheist, I'm still going to cut her lawn if she needs help. Accept people for who they are and don't start a war over who you think they should be."

The sad part about religion is the part of taking God out of schools. Religion is a part of history and yet fear has dictated the removal of "God discussions" in many classrooms. In most cases, the students accept that we are all different. They accept an explanation about treating everyone equally. It's usually an adult who complains to the administration that somebody dropped the "G-bomb." (They said God!) Children are naturally inquisitive. It seems like society attempts to be more inclusive by creating greater segregation.

Building honesty and trust through acceptance is the key ingredient in a successful Mentoring program. If your discussion offends someone then stop. Hopefully if you have a religious belief, it is one that unconditionally loves all people. Let your actions dictate a description of your love.

Heart Viewership

Chapter Nineteen

Heart Viewership

Your mouth speaks what your heart sees. If your heart sees only brokenness, you will speak words that will break the spirit. Conflict is the first step in the growth process. Through brokenness we are given a greater capacity to love. A Mentors "Heart Viewership" is a two-way looking glass.

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The Heart Farmer and his daughter Beauty were walking along a freshly planted field. Acres of dirt were all that was visible to the naked eye. The Dad smiled and said to his daughter: "I can already see that corn growing knee high by the fourth of July! In fact I can already see the corn silo filled with corn!" Beauty looked confused: "But Daddy, I don't see anything. All I see is dirt and the corn silo is empty."

Dad smiled even wider. "You've got to put your "Heart Glasses" on darling. They let you see things that you believe will eventually happen. We know that we planted the corn and we just believe that it will grow. My heart tells me to believe and see the corn so I can plan for the future." The little girl seemed to understand - a little. "Daddy, do you mean it's like when I can see dinner in my mind just from smelling Mommy's good cooking?" The Heart Farmer laughed a great big belly laugh. "Yes my little sweet pea, I can taste your Momma's cooking when I smell it, even when I milking the cows!"

The lessons of the Heart Farmer are endless. As a Mentor you will need to develop your "Heart Vision" to see potential beyond immaturity. Don't judge by what you see - have faith in what you don't see. Just believe that if you follow the principles set down in this book that you will make a difference. A Teacher may only be a part of a child's life for a short time before they move on. You are only putting a piece on the child's character. The finished product may be a few seasons away. You may never see the finished product outside of your "Heart Vision." Put your most compassionate foot forward and just believe in a bright future for the people you Mentor.

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The picture of character that you envision in your Mentee must be visible in you. Use your "Heart Vision" on yourself. Examine your own character traits. Are there any that should not be passed on to a person you are Mentoring? A Mentor should be a walking, talking replica of the character that you would like to see developed in others.

The closer you get to someone, the more likely is the possibility that you will reveal glimpses of your personal life. When you are experiencing a particularly pain filled life episode, careful attention needs to be paid to your words. Do not fall into the temptation to use your Mentee as a confidant and a counselor. Set boundaries on what you will discuss regarding your personal life. It's okay to reveal that you are going through a divorce. It's not okay to rant and rave over your "soon-to-be" ex-spouse's character indiscretions.

You may need to step away from Mentoring for a season. Painful life episodes are like seasons that come and go. The winter is a season of stillness and reflection. Winter in the north is a season where growth stops and rest begins. Make time to rest after a devastating fall has left you depleted. Do not push yourself so hard that you will end up in counseling or worse.

Heart Vision is having the ability to discern future events based upon proper planning and experience. Teaching good character from a textbook has value. Teaching good character by modeling good character is the best way to have that behavior emulated in others. Seeing is believing. A Mentor with Heart Vision is a seer of belief. 

Belief begins in the eyes of your heart.

Thanks for your time.
Go do something nice for somebody.

Wardenship of Trust

Chapter Eighteen

 Wardenship of Trust

Wardenship is a word that conveys the notion of power over people. The following words are considered synonyms for wardenship: custody, care, protection, safekeeping, tutelage, tutorship, watch and trust. I wonder if you asked the average prisoner in a jail if he would use those words to describe the Warden or Prison Guards in his life. As a Mentor, you may have to visit an inmate in jail that is controlled by a Warden. As a Mentor you may have to free someone from a personal jail where you have the opportunity to become a Warden who tutors through trust.

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HOW TO MENTOR AN INMATE

1. HOPE
A Mentor is the "Hopemeister."
Upon entering a jail or prison to visit an inmate, prepare yourself. Abraham Lincoln is a good example of preparation: "“Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.” You need to spend some time filling yourself with hope so you can dispense hope. For a 2 hour prison visit, spend 4 hours filling up your hope tank. Read stories about hope and perseverance, soak up hope in any way you can.

2. LISTEN
Most prisoners will have a lot to say. They will lament about loneliness and spending another birthday or Christmas behind bars away from their family. They may express regret over the past. Let them talk and listen with your eyes and your heart. Let them know you are listening empathetically.

3. HOPE
A farmer breaks the ground before he can plant a seed. He let's go of the seed. He builds a silo to hold a crop that is not yet grown. The farmer does not control the sun or rain that will help his crop grow. A prisoner needs something to believe in. Everyday is a new planting opportunity. Everyday has brokenness. Your words of hope become seeds in the broken heart of the inmate. Let them know that they are valued and loved unconditionally. Help them plan a future that contains a purpose - WE ALL HAVE A PURPOSE!

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Words can create generational prisons. Once upon a minute, many years ago, a father told his son he was worthless, no good, stupid and lazy. He also added that the son would never amount to anything. Those words became labels of belief in the young boys mind.

As he grew, the son became filled with resentment and wore his labels well. He used them as excuses in school for his lackluster grades. He used them at home as he defiantly disrespected his mother (the father had left home after planting his seeds of negativity.) The boy dropped out of school, joined a gang, got a girl pregnant and went to jail.

As his baby grew, the baby's mom became impregnated with resentment at having to raise the baby alone. She blamed the imprisoned baby's father for all of the pain in her life. She raised her son to disrespect his "loser father" who called his trips to jail a "vacation." The son grew older in a culture of disrespect devoid of unconditional love. He followed in his dad's footsteps. He got behind in school as his grades slipped - he blamed the Teacher. The young man eventually quit school, joined a gang, had a baby and joined his dad on vacation in jail.

As a Mentor, you need to recognize the roots of self imprisonment and disrespectful behavior. Let the following creed become a part of who you are:

"Positive words only - are spoken,

 Negative words make people feel broken."

Become a warden of your words. Remove words that are devoid of hope. Speak truth and encouragement. Discernment of truth should not lead to criticism. Love is a better way. Love is a more excellent way. The person you are Mentoring may not have a clue what love is. Your words, commitment, perseverance and non-critical attitude may be the keys that unlock the doors of a personal prison.

Steamship of Resentment

Chapter Seventeen

 Steamship of Resentment

"You're not my father!" It's a phrase that I've heard screamed in defiance countless times. Young men filled with resentment rebel against any fatherly figure who fills a role of authority. Anger at the absence of a father figure is embedded in the hearts of fatherless sons. Their subconscious is filled with volcanic like indignation that fuels quick-tempered outrage. Identifying the root of anger will help you teach your Mentee how to use anger as a building foundation instead of a self destructive force.

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We had to close the door to keep the young boy from running out of the Principal's office. He was out of control; punching, kicking, screaming and crying. I was in the building for a Relationship Mentoring Class and just happened to be in the Main Office when the boy was brought in. 

Talking to him seemed to have no effect at calming him down. Then we asked him if he wanted to draw and gave him some paper and markers. We were just biding our time until a parent or guardian could come and take him home. He began to draw pictures of people and a house. As he drew the pictures, he began to relax. We asked him about his artwork and he opened up a little. He said that sometimes he went to his Dad's house. He said sometimes they would argue and then he had to go home. The boy was angry about a family situation.

All situations require individual and unique responses. There is no "one size fits all" answer. Do not rely solely on your own experience to solve a problem dealing with anger. The anger issue that you may have lived through may be similar but each person is unique. Be a patient and empathetic listener. Ask questions about what, where, why, when and how regarding the anger. If someone does not want to talk: DO NOT FORCE THEM! Be a friend and build trust by being caring and non-judgmental.

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This next section may scare some of you. Depending on where and who you Mentor, dangerous situations can arise. Some teenagers will try and bait you into a physical altercation. You may be much stronger than a young boy - YOU DON'T HAVE TO PROVE IT. Only use physical force as a last resort. If an attack occurs, defend yourself as best as you can.

I have Mentored in the inner city for over 10 years. I have had attempts on my life and damage to my personal property at my home. I have called the Police on numerous occasions. I have had to break up fights between both girls and guys. Drugs and alcohol play a huge part in violent behaviors. There are ways to protect yourself as you Mentor in potentially dangerous situations. Some are no-brainers but you need to burn them into your brain.

·         Whenever possible, make sure that there are 2 or more adults around you.

·         Always have a cell phone within reach.

·         Stay away from enclosed areas hidden from public view.

·         Maintain male to male and female to female relationships.

·         If you have any questions about someone who has a violent history, ASK THEM!

·         Do not hesitate to call the Police.

·         If you do say you will call the Police - THEN DO IT!

·         Be alert for signs of weapons.

·         Learn the cultural language that identifies threatening behavior.

·         Use your intuition to guide you and be on high alert.

·         Be careful when inviting the friends of the person you are Mentoring to be a part of your activities.

                        Mentoring can be dangerous in certain neighborhoods and with certain individuals. You most likely will never have to face the dangers listed above but the Boy Scout Motto is: "Be Prepared!" There are storms in life and preparation will keep you safe.

Segregation & Space

Chapter Sixteen

The Spaceship of Segregation

No one can be everything you want them to be. It's not your job to create a clone of your own character in the person you are Mentoring. You are not a potter with a piece of clay.

You are more of a chef who creates a meal and presents it on a plate for consumption. Do not force feed your personal beliefs into anybody - that causes resentment. A good Mentor presents food with a vision that shows why consumption would be beneficial.

The best kind of motivation is self motivation. Season the meal that you're offering with encouragement. You cannot feed somebody their own success - they have to achieve it on their own. "Success cannot be force fed as a meal." Give them a menu, give them the food and let them do the eating. Provide instruction and then give them space to grow. Personal space should be a personal creation.

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I left my home this morning for an appointment with a homeless man. Last night (11-21-13) he walked into our Youth Center. I haven't seen him in almost a year. When he first started coming around he would act very gruff and demanding. He wanted some food on his timeline - he didn't want to wait for our cooks to get done preparing the meal.

He smelled like most homeless folks do. Their clothes are dirty and they lack the necessary items of personal hygiene. We serve a smorgasbord style meal for our snack and dinner. The kids did not want to stand anywhere near someone who had an odor. They did not want to touch the food after he had filled his plate. His hands were clean but they perceived him as a dirty person who could contaminate the food. They gave this homeless man plenty of space. They created space through avoidance. They created space through lack of understanding and compassion. They created segregation between themselves and a person who was hurting.

We began seeking a solution about the unwelcome space of segregation in the food line. At a Food Bank of WNY Seminar, we received some very valuable advice: "Have the homeless man sit down and let the kids serve him." It was an awesome idea and closed the gap between the young people and the homeless dude. When in doubt; seek a compassionate solution.

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I once asked the homeless man what his birth date was. I noted it in my phone and put aside a birthday cake for him. On his birthday he didn't show up so I went looking for him. I drove around the area of the West Side of Buffalo where he was known to frequent and I couldn't find him. Several weeks later he showed up with his usual gruff demeanor. The birthday cake changed the homeless man in the blink of an eye.

I asked him where he had been and after some small talk, told him about the cake. I let him know that I had been looking for him on his birthday. He brightened up like a mountain sunrise. You might think I'm a fruitcake but I swear I thought I saw his chest puff up, his shoulders raise and his ears twinkle. He said: "You have a cake for me?" He paused as if to collect his thoughts from some place that only he knew about. In the blink of an eye, his gruffness was gone and then he began offering to help us. "Do you need any help? Can I take the garbage out?" An act of compassion had once again altered a human life. He left that day feeling valued. The funny thing about compassion is how it affects your nose. You don't smell anything offensive when you are pouring out compassion.

We didn't see our friend for almost a year until last night. I smiled as he came in and gave him a hug. I cooked him a bowl of chili. He asked if I could help him put a roof over his head for the night. I said I would do my best. He finished his chili with a cup of juice and we cleaned up and left the Youth Center.

I had left my phone at home so we could not call anybody. We climbed into my van and headed to the Salvation Army. We prayed in the parking lot and asked God to provide a roof for my friend either here or somewhere else. A very nice lady explained to us that single men were not permitted to stay at their facility. She then volunteered to call some area shelters to find him a place to stay.

The Buffalo City Mission was full for the night. She found another place called the Little Portion Friary. There were 2 ladies who bent over backwards to help my friend. He didn't have any ID and that presented a problem. They asked if I could come back tomorrow and help him begin the process of obtaining an ID through the DMV. I agreed and told my friend that I would pick him up at 9am the next morning. He then disappeared, following a man down a hallway.

This morning at exactly 9am, I pulled up in front of the Friary. The lady inside said he left about 10 minutes ago. She was worried about my friend: she said he looked very sad. I left and drove around the downtown area trying to find him. I stopped in a McDonald's and a Burger King, I never found him. Now I feel sad.

            Before I dropped my friend off last night, we talked about taking a step. "We can get you help but you have to want to get on your feet." I told him. He has to create his own space of responsibility and accountability. He has to take a step into a plan for his life. I feel bad that I can't find him this morning. I hope and pray that I will see him again. He taught me a lot about giving people space to grow.

Thanks for your time. Go do something nice for somebody.